Tuesday, January 6, 2009

How Alarming!

Yeah, yeah, happy 2009, whatever...

ANYWAY, so here's a good one for ya. Tonight I went to look at an apartment with the guys. Not that I'm necessarily TRYING to move out but if it was worth it I would do it. So this place is a huge 4 bed 2 bath up on 93rd and Lex. Great location, good space, and surprisingly impressive finishes, especially the millwork trim and kitchen and bath stone. The price was something we were at least willing to negotiate on, so we meandered out with many thoughts swimming. As the broker led us out I noticed the stairs going up, to the roof. I instinctively ran up and approached the door, which was equipped with that familiar fire alarm handle which read "Open only in emergency, alarm will sound." Of course there was a 5% chance that it would go off (based on previous experience), but it did.

Yeah so then I felt like an ass. Even after pulling the door shut and toggling the handle, the alarm remained. I reluctantly looked at the faces of my compadres which portrayed a mixture of annoyance and resent. The broker was half irate and half panicky. Then the guy across the hall opening his door and demanded to know who was the idiot who he should blame for this domestic nuisance (he apparently had an infant child). I quickly examined and prodded the alarm, trying to now use my McGyver-like prowess to disable the increasingly obnoxious alarm. I guess there's a reason I never had my own TV show.

Both the neighbor and the broker started making calls only to find that help was a good 30 minutes away, since the super lived in Queens. That's when I started trying to pry this thing off the wall and muscle it to silence. However, the alarm would prove the victor, as the remnants of my salvageable dignity were drowned away in the now insulting cacophony of torment. Finally, after a heartfelt apology, I consented defeat, and we all walked out.

However, truth be told, I learned three important lessons that would have actually deterred my decision to live in that apartment building:

1) You can't hang out on the roof
2) The super lives a good 30 minutes away
3) The family across the hall has a baby, and probably wouldn't appreciate the late night jam sessions we would no doubtedly supply.

I value this newly acquired information, especially because it came at a cost. However I would also like to highlight my drastically increased spite for an alarm system leading to the roof. Make it lock from the outside or something, but don't give it an alarm you can't turn off. I could care less about pointless building fire code right now, as far as I'm concerned, it is an architectural insult and a humanitarian travesty to deny anybody permission onto a roof.

How about we try to fill 2009 with celebrations of the non-contemptible things in life?!?


GLB said...

keeping you off the roof probably saved your life.

Andrew Malone said...

I miss ya man... loved this story and I'm with you all the way. Roof access should be every self respecting apartment dweller's god given right! There should be laws!!! Oh and while we're at it, make the damned grills legal again too.